It's So Hard

While I am approaching one of the most difficult times in my life with the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays it is getting easier but by no means forgotten.  Thanksgiving will always linger in the back of my mind until the day I die.  It was that day that my dad was able to sit up and eat a regular meal with myself and the rest of my family.

My father had been diagnosed with a stage 3 GBM (glia blastoma melanoma) in August of 2003.  While he was able to still care for his self up till Thanksgiving with some assistance from myself, after Thanksgiving he would remain confined to a hospital bed in his own home as he lost all ability to function as the wonderful man he had always been to not only his children but to the thousands of people who had the pleasure of knowing him.

One of the promises that I had assured my wonderful dad of is that he would never see the inside of a nursing home and that I would ensure he would be taken care of in his home he and my mother had built at the time of my birth.  This would be especially challenging as I was working 3rd shift for a major trucking company in the operations department as well as trying to raise my son who had just taken custody of again shortly before in the months prior to my dad being diagnosed with the dreadful killer.  So add to the list that I was in a very active relationship with a woman whom I would end up marrying prior to my father's demise and to complicate that she lived in another state.  We were planning to live in Ohio but with the very difficult and challenging issues I would have to deal with my dad we had decided it was best for her to stay where she was in Arkansas until he had passed.  So as you can see I had my plate more than full with some unique challenges and situations.

However, to put this writing back on track what I wanted to focus upon was the amount of vast pain that I still feel even to this day at the loss of my precious and wonderful father!  He had been my hero from the time I was a small child in being able to carry himself and his family through some of the most difficult times and especially what him and my mother endured during the early years of their marriage having come up through the Great Depression.  My father, Louis Franklin Hyatt, was the dad to 4 children including myself and had acted as a foster parent to countless others via the church that he and my mother attended.  My dad had achieved many great things in his life and had given of himself to ensure that everyone else had what was needed to assist them in getting started in life.

I can not begin to recount the days and nights I have spent in tears since the passing of one of the greatest men I ever knew.  Still to this day I can see certain things and hear certain music that puts me into tears over the loss of my dad.  I know I must attempt to focus on the great man that he was and how he managed to inspire so many people to achieve greatness in their life.

However, at times I feel as though I was cheated out of having one of the most awe inspiring humans around me.  I just wish he were alive today to see his awesome Great Grandson and see both of his grandchildren grown and holding their own.  Of course there is that very selfish side of me who desires to be able to sit and talk to my dad for hours about anything and especially being able to sit with him and watch his favorite televisions programs and enjoy listening to him chuckle at even the most simplistic things in life.  For those who knew my dad and had any opportunity to share with him intimately know exactly what I am talking about!  My father was an upstanding member of Northside Christian Church where he and my mother attended from prior to my birth until his passing.  He was loved by all and cherished for his giving spirit.  He and my mother had provided so many with so much and never asked for anything in return and especially not any sort of special attention nor recognition.

I certainly have no reason to think that my father is not one of the highest Angels in heaven and is watching over my mother, my brother's who had passed prior to him along with everyone else in his family who still remains here on earth and misses him more than he can possibly know of.  I have to wonder if my dad realizes how much I miss him and how much I love him.

Have you lost one or both of your parents and asked yourself did you tell them that you loved them enough!  Sadly, although I know I told my parents this often I just do not feel like it will ever measure up to enough to what my parents were more than worthy and deserving of.

Daddy if you can read this from Heaven.....I love you and miss you so much!  There are times I wish I was there by your side to help you with all that you do in Heaven in watching over the people God has given you to watch over and protect!  You have always been my hero and always will be until God calls my number to join with you!  Just know that there is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts.  I carry you everywhere I go and always wait to feel your calming spirit surround me and to hear your gentle voice encourage me in my endeavors.

I will always miss you daddy!  I Love You!